Part One[]
An Apology[]
[Text appears on a blue screen accompanied by a narrator.]
Narrator: We apologise that due to matters of taste, decency and political bias, the following programme has had to be considerably shortened.
[We cut to the opening.]
Newsnight[]
[Shirley Williams can be seen getting prepared in front of a mirror. There are several postcards and photos (including of David Owen and Roy Hattersley[?]) pinned to it.]
Voice: We’re ready for you now, Mrs. Williams!
Shirley Williams: Right! Let’s go! [a rope is thrown around her, pulling her into some bushes] Come on, lads! Heave, put some [?] into it! I gotta look my best for Newsnight!
[We cut to the credits. After the credits roll, the Queen jumps up from the bottom of the screen.]
Queen Elizabeth: April Fools!
[Kenneth Newman, Pope John Paul II, James Callaghan, Prince Philip, Prince Andrew, François Mitterrand, Prince Charles and Adolf Hitler jump up as well and thumb their noses.]
The Reagans[]
[We cut to Reagan’s bedroom, where he has some items on a plate. He puts something up his nose and pulls out some fluff. He puts Grecian 2000 in a bowl and puts the fluff into it as well.]
Ronald Reagan: If only my fellow Americans and turkeys could see me now.
[The fluff, now brown like his hair, is put back in his nose. We then cut to Nancy, who is facing three mannequin heads. She puts her hat on one, her hair on another, and her face on the last, revealing that her head is that of a mannequin as well.]
Mary Whitehouse’s Bath[]
[We cut to Mary Whitehouse in a bathtub.]
Mary Whitehouse: At 5 o’clock every morning I get up and take an ice cold bath. It washes away the cobwebs of indolence from my mind, [?] my moral character, and enhances my spiritual awareness of the Christian soul. [she giggles] And it makes my nippy-nippies stick out!
Duties of Royal Life[]
[We cut to Prince Charles.]
Prince Charles: No, no, no, no!
[Prince Philip emerges, wearing fruit and vegetables on his head and bricks on his shoulders.]
Prince Philip: Look, I know you don’t want to, but there’s a hell of a lot of things in royal life we have to do that we don’t like.
Charles: No. And that’s final. God, the Australian tour was bad enough.
Philip: Come on, son. Once the opening ceremony is over, it’s quite fun really.
Charles: Once and for all, pater, I am not joining the bloody Masons!
Philip: There’s no call for that sort of thing…
10 Downing Street Crocodiles[]
[We cut to the outside of 10 Downing Street.]
Voice: In our last episode, Chancellor of the Exchequer Nigel Lawson was thrown to the pack of 30 ravenous crocodiles that live beneath Number 10 Downing Street. What has become of him now?
[We cut to darkness and growling noises.]
???: Handbags! Handbags! Fresh handbags, bullets and what-straps! Get your handbags here! Beat the budget, they’re lovely!
Grandpa Philip[]
[We cut to Prince William’s pram. Prince Philip walks up to it, holding a bunny soft toy.]
Prince William: Grandpa!
Prince Philip: There’s a good boy, William, yes, it’s coo-coo-coo, rabby-wabby, baby rabby-wabby, come on, shh, come on now.
[William pulls out a gun and shoots the rabbit toy’s head off.]
Philip: Oh, that’s my boy! Good shot! Now the birdies, nice birdies. [he pulls out a parrot toy.]
10 Downing Street Garden[]
[We cut to Mary Whitehouse and Margaret Thatcher in the garden of Number 10.]
Mary Whitehouse: … And apart from general pornography, Mrs. Thatcher, we really must do something about these horrible, horrible video nasties.
Margaret Thatcher: I quite agree, Mrs. Whitehouse.
Denis Thatcher, from inside: Ough!
Whitehouse: The disgusting pornography that you see-
Denis: Good lord, look at the size of those!
Whitehouse: Uh, which is freely available in the shop-
Denis: Ough, they’re going at it like hammer and tongs!
Whitehouse: In the shops-
Denis: KILL! KILL! KILL!
Whitehouse: … Mrs. Thatcher, is your husband alright?
Thatcher: What? Oh, yes. He’s just watching David Attenborough.
[Whitehouse laughs.]
The Anteater Show[]
[We cut to the inside of the house, which leads us into the TV. David Attenborough is traversing a jungle.]
David Attenborough: Here now, if we tread very carefully, we will soon see one of the continent’s most remarkable sights. For every day in this very spot, that crustacean masterpiece of nature, the great anteater comes to feed. [There is a pause. Attenborough looks around and then looks at the camera again.] Every day, as regular as clockwork, in this very spot, and this very time, the anteater comes to feed. [He looks behind the bushes and then back at the camera, clearing his throat.] For this is the time of day that nature in her wisdom has chosen for the ants to come out and feed also, which makes it possible for the ANTEATER to eat. [There is another pause and he gets agitated.] Okay cut! Where’s the anteater?
Voice: He’s in his dressing room, he won’t come out!
Attenborough: Oh what’s wrong with him now?
Voice: He’s got a me-graine!
[Inside the anteater’s dressing room, Attenborough knocks on the door.]
Anthony: Yes? Who is it?
Attenborough: It’s David.
Anthony: David, David, darling. [he kisses his forehead with his snout.] I can’t go on, darling. Take after take of favouring my wrong haunch. Ghastly lighting as well, David, where’s the art?
Attenborough: Art?! All you have to do is snuffle about in a heap of muck for a couple of minutes! [the anteater pulls away] Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. Look, Ant-
Anthony: It’s Anthony! Ant is only for my very close friends.
Attenborough: Anthony, look. This is your show. It’s the Anteater Show. It depends on you.
Anthony: I know, I know it does, but what can I say? I’m a complete and utter beast!
Attenborough: No, no, no.
Anthony: [crying] I am, I am.
Attenborough: There, there. Tell David what’s wrong.
Anthony: David, I cannot eat one more ant. [he starts sobbing] I’ve had it up to here with ants.
Attenborough: Is there anything you’d rather have!
Anthony: Yes, David. Could I have an eclair?
Attenborough: It’s got to look a tiny bit like ants, Anthony.
Anthony: Alright. Caviar.
Attenborough: Alright. Caviar. I suppose that will do. But you’ll have to keep them moving!
Anthony: I will, I will, I will!
[Attenborough leaves the dressing room, leaving Anthony to grooming his head. A while later, we arrive back on the jungle set.]
Attenborough: For it is here, every day in this very spot, that the anteater comes to feed. [He looks over and sees Anthony eating from a plate on a table.] ANTHONY! Cut cut cut cut! Anthony, love, a word in your ear, or whatever it’s called please!
Anthony: Ooh, temperament.
Attenborough: God…
[Anthony sips his wine.]
Reagan’s Boots[]
[We cut to Reagan doing leg stretches. He grabs a pair of scissors and cuts his big toe off, placing it in a bowl. He does the same with his other toes.]
Ronald Reagan: That’s better. Those boots were killing me.
Call to Harrods[]
[We cut to Thatcher on the phone.]
Margaret Thatcher: Harrods? Yes, could I have the Crocodile Department? Yes, I’m afraid I wasn’t very happy with the last lot you sent me. They seem to have got broken. Do you have any piranhas?
The Anteater Show 2[]
[We cut to Attenborough and Anthony.]
Anthony: David, darling, it’s not you, it’s the whole system! It’s typecasting! I feel like a bloody Negro! I mean, why can’t I play something else?
David Attenborough: Like what?
Anthony: Well, like a swan, or a lion, or something-
[Attenborough starts hitting his head on Anthony’s anthill.]
Attenborough: No, no, no, no-
Don’t Fancy That John[]
[We cut to a group of Japanese musicians on a wooden makeshift stage.]
Nissan Motors Workers:
After lengthy negotiations
Between our two countries
And in a year when profits
Are expected to be
In excess of five million yen,
We the senior management staff
Of Nissan Motors
Are opening a factory in
Washington New Town, Sunderland
Don’t fancy that John.
Nor do I, mate,
But orders is orders.
Do you reckon it’s true
About the women, you know…
[The final cuts of the song are of The Sun and Page 3 photos.]
The President’s Brain Is Missing[]
[We cut to the White House.]
Narrator: When last we left the President’s brain, free of the 73 years of incarceration, was on vacation in the Bahamas. Incredibly, although his mind is gone, the leader of the free world continues to perform his everyday duties.
[Ed Meese knocks on the door of the bedroom and enters.]
Ed Meese: Shh.
[He heads over to Nancy Reagan lying on the bed.]
Meese: Mrs. President? Mrs. President. I’m afraid I have grave news. I’m afraid we’ve lost contact with the President’s brain. [Pause] Mrs. President? [he shakes her pillow] Mrs. President? [he lowers the duvet to reveal that she is a doll] Holy rubber goods! You’re not the President’s wife! You’re a doll!
[Ronald Reagan emerges from the bathroom.]
Ronald Reagan: Of course she’s a doll, Ed. A living doll. That’s why I married her, Ed. And keep your hands off the First Lady, or it’s not just her expenses that’ll be cut off.
Meese: But Mr. President-
Reagan: And cancel your subscription to the National Geographic, Ed. That rag gets you all hottied up.
Meese: But Mr. President, I don’t think this is your wife!
Reagan: Ed, have you gone crazy? Of course this is Nancy! [she starts deflating] I know every inch of that glorious body.
Narrator: Can Ronald Reagan, deserted now by his wife and his brain, go on keeping the world safe for democracy? Will the forces of evil, many of whom possess wives and IQs, triumph? Tune in next week for a further episode of The President’s Brain, Wife And Monkey Are Missing!
[Bonzo is seen wearing a hat and badge stating, “Be Smart, Vote Hart”.]
The Queen’s Music[]
[We cut to Queen Elizabeth wearing headphones and dancing. Prince Philip walks in.]
Prince Philip: Eeh hello duckling!
Queen Elizabeth: What?
Philip: Hello!
Elizabeth: Oh. Oh, hello. [she goes back to her music]
Philip: Yes…
Elizabeth: Did you want anything?
Philip: Uh… no.
Elizabeth: Right. [she dances away from him]
Mary Whitehouse’s Bath 2[]
Mary Whitehouse: Hello. I’m sorry to interrupt the programme like this, but I really do want to use this opportunity to send a message to the millions and millions of little people who live in China. Stop it at once!
[She pours out a bucket of water onto the screen, leading to the end of Part 1.]
Part Two[]
The Guardian[]
[We cut to different famous faces in part of different locations.]
Queen Elizabeth: [in front of Buckingham Palace] Well it simply doesn’t pry into all of the sordid details.
Prince Andrew: [in front of a helicopter] It couldn’t give a toss about my sex life.
Mary Whitehouse: [in front of a lingerie[?] shop] Where pornography simply doesn’t feature.
Mick Jagger: [in a street] It’s not even remotely concerned with the size of my lips.
Joan Collins: [in front of some lamps] It would never tell you who I was knocking off.
Narrator: Just some of the reasons why 33 million people never read the Guardian.
Kinnock and Hattersley[]
[We cut to Thatcher, Philip, Elizabeth, the Reagans, Callaghan, Tebbit, [?] and Douglas-Home falling asleep in some chairs.]
Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight for your entertainment, the stars of Blackpool, Brighton and Scarborough, yes, it’s Kinnock and… Hattersley.
[Hattersley emerges from the curtain first followed by Kinnock.]
Neil Kinnock: Evening, evening. It’s lovely to be here, isn’t it, Roy?
Roy Hattersley: Yes it is, Neil. Why it’s so long since we’re here, the last time there was a Labour government!
Kinnock: No, no, no, Roy! Last time we were here there was-
Kinnock and Hattersley: Still a coal industry!
[The crowd boo.]
Hattersley: I’m sorry, Neil.
Kinnock: And so you should be.
Exchequers[]
[We cut to the inside of Exchequers. Macmillan scoops his tie out of his bowl, while Victoria attempts to put shaving cream on Douglas-Home. Callaghan is looking at a mashed potato model of the Taj Mahal.]
James Callaghan: Finished at last! Perfect in every detail and made entirely out of mashed potato, that wonderful marvel of the East-
[Victoria puts a potted plant on top of it, squishing it.]
Callaghan: … the Barbican Centre.
Alec Douglas-Home: I’m Prime Minister of Great Britain, you know!
Queen Victoria: Oh, oh. So sorry.
Douglas-Home: Beg your pardon?
Victoria: I said I’m sorry.
Douglas-Home: Ah, not at all.
Victoria: I’ll just go and wash behind this for you, Sir Alec. [she looks at Harold Wilson, who has a lampshade covering his head] Wilson! I’ve got my eye on you.
[Victoria turns the electricity on, electrocuting the lampshade Wilson has. He screams and it falls off. Macmillan and Douglas-Home look on shocked while Callaghan laughs.]
Harold Wilson: What have I done to deserve this?!
Victoria: Considering what you deserve, this place is the Ritz! [she slaps him]
Wilson: Why don’t you pick on Mr. Heath for a change?
Victoria: Mr. Heath is out on parole this afternoon, on picket duty with the Yorkshire miners.
Wilson: Why’s Mr. Heath allowed out when I’m not?!
Callaghan: Because he doesn’t wet his bed, that’s why.
Victoria: What?!
Wilson: That’s a lie! My hot water bottle burst, I tell you.
Victoria: You filthy scum! [she punches him]
[Wilson gets close to Callaghan.]
Wilson: I’ll get even with you! Just like I did with that bastard who tried to nail me in 1970.
Callaghan: That was me too, Harold.
Wilson: You swine!
[Michael Foot knocks on the door and enters, carrying a large parcel.]
Wilson: Aha! You see!
Michael Foot: Good ‘morrow, comrades. Package for… H. We- uh. H. Wilson.
Callaghan: Good heavens above. What on earth could that strange looking [?] thing be?
Harold Macmillan: That’s Michael Foot.
Wilson: Huh. I thought satire was dead. Thank you, Foot. You know the way out.
Foot: When we’re on this side of the house, we- [Wilson throws him out of the window and he screams.]
Wilson: Gentlemen! Hello Dandy, our passport to freedom! [He opens the parcel, revealing a rocking horse. The rest of the ex-prime ministers give appraising murmurs.]
Macmillan: What’s your plan, Wilson?
Wilson: It’s obvious. I sit innocently on its back. The rest of you are underneath, digging the tunnel.
Callaghan: Tunnel, eh? But Harold, how are you going to fight the dirt?
Wilson: That’s never been a problem for me, Jim. [he laughs] We’ll be out of here in a flash!
[A logo with a wheelchair flashes up: The Pensioner.]
Kinnock and Hattersley 2[]
[We cut to the stage from before, where Kinnock is now being strangled. It is revealed Kinnock and Hattersley are attempting to strangle each other, but they soon stop.]
Hattersley: No seriously, here’s a funny thing. Why is being in NATO, being in NATO like having it off with a Roman Catholic?
Kinnock: ‘Cause they gotta pull out before it’s too late!
Hattersley: No, no, you gotta stay in! Stay in! Vote for it, favour your commitments!
Kinnock: Look, I do the policy, thanks Roy.
Hattersley: Yes, Neil.
[The two have objects thrown at them and they start leaving the stage.]
Exocet[]
[We cut to Paris. François Mitterrand is sitting in a bus called Exocet speaking into the microphone. The bus stops and Norman Tebbit walks next to the drivers’ seat wearing sunglasses.]
Norman Tebbit: Well, what a surprise! It’s Franky Mitterand!
François Mitterrand: Sacre bleu!
Margaret Thatcher: [sitting next to him] Relax, François. We just dropped in for a friendly chat, haven’t we Norman?
Tebbit: [climbing in, sitting down and closing the car door] Yes.
Mitterrand: A chat?
Tebbit: Yes, seems you’ve been [?] with the boss regarding our Economic Community budget proposals for a dispassionate proportion of the financial burden between the [?] and the States.
Mitterrand: It is a lie! I am no blabbermouth!
Tebbit: That’s good. ’Cause it would be a pair of concrete leg warmers for you. Eh, son?
Thatcher: And then who would take care of your little community, eh François?
Mitterrand: You don’t scare me, baldy! [Thatcher hits him with a bat.] If you don’t [?] with the monitory inconclusive of the system, you can go take a running- PAPERS AND [?]?!
Tebbit: [taking out parts of the bus and throwing them outside the window] Oh dear me! They slipped out of my hand.
Thatcher: Tut tut tut, Norman. You really are clumsy, aren’t you?
Tebbit: I feel very clumsy today, leader.
Mitterrand: No, no, no, no, no! Not my [?]! [he starts crying]
Thatcher: So you will give us a refund?
Mitterrand: Anything. Anything, whatever you want.
Tebbit: You just gotta be a good boy and agree with the boss whatever you think.
Mitterrand: You mean like… [?]?
Thatcher: Right. But without the earrings of course. Good boy, François. NORMAN!
Tebbit: What?
[The car crashes.]
Kinnock and Hattersley 3[]
[We cut to the stage, where Hattersley is being thrown fruit.]
Roy Hattersley: Settle down now, settle down. Why is being in the EEC like having it off with a prostitute?
Neil Kinnock: I don’t know. [he appears wearing a rain hat and coat] Why is being in the EEC like having it off with a prostitute?
Hattersley: Because you can guarantee a good time!
Kinnock: No, no, no, because you have to pay for the privilege! [More boos come from the audience.] Get off, you fat- [He pushes Hattersley off the stage.]
Joe Bugner’s Interview[]
[We are linked to Joe Bugner lying down while Harry Carpenter stands over him.]
Harry Carpenter: Oh, evening. Thanks for dropping in, Joe. What do you think of the fight so far?
Joe Bugner: Oh, [?] got him worried, Harry. I’ve been opening the locker door no problem. Slipping on the shorts went nicely to plan.
Carpenter: You did seem to lose concentration climbing into the ring though, Joe.
Bugner: What’s in a rope burn and a couple of missing teeth, David? [his eye pops out]
Carpenter: A spot of eye trouble I see again Joe?
Bugner: It’s a [?]. Straight up.
Carpenter: Well, well, well, what about that decision, Joe?
Bugner: [?]. I was breathing good. In, then out, then… out again. I had the right attitude. Bloody Norwegian!
Carpenter: But in the replay, Joe, you were winched off the stool when [?] produced that devastating flurry.
Bugner: Lucky punch, Brian. Me guard was down.
Carpenter: What was going through your mind at this point, Joe?
Bugner: Well…- I was ready to go- for a full six and a half seconds [?]-
Carpenter: Joe, [?] has only just turned eight today. What about that?
Bugner: He may be a younger man, Sir Robin, but I have a splendid curly blond hair and [?] garage that needs some attention to the roof.
Carpenter: Um, Joe, don’t you think now is the time to contemplate retirement for [?].
Bugner: I had a lizard once, mum. His name was Josephine too.
Kinnock and Hattersley 4[]
[Kinnock comes back on stage in a full diver’s suit.]
Neil Kinnock: Alright, yes I understand. Listen. Why are cruise missiles like the neighbour’s wife?
Roy Hattersley: You don’t like them but you gotta put up with them.
Kinnock: No, no, because it’s a quick bang and you’ll regret it afterwards. I told you once before, you-!
David Owen[]
[We cut to David Owen smoking and having his head stroked by an unknown woman.]
Voice: Oh, David, why is it that SDP men make such wonderful, considerate lovers?
David Owen: I don’t know really. I suppose it’s because we’re so good at coming second.
The President’s Brain[]
[The President’s Brain is seen strolling the pavement and comes across dog poo. It backs away and then goes around.]
HMY Brittania[]
[Nancy Reagan is seen having her face done.]
Narrator: Meanwhile the First Lady, wrecked by a mad passion that threatens to devour what little is left of her, wrings her way eastwards to the one she loves.
Nancy Reagan: [holding a photo of Prince Philip] Oh, Princiness. Soon I will be in your arms.
[We cut to the past - Philip is sitting on a boat.]
Nancy Reagan: [voice] How well I recall that darkest Californian night when we first met.
Queen Elizabeth: Thank you so much for your kind gift, Mr. President.
Ronald Reagan: It’s a pleasure, your majestic worship.
Elizabeth: The palaces always needed a pair of uh…
Reagan: Gelding shears?
Elizabeth: Yes, lovely.
Prince Philip: God, what a fossil.
Nancy Reagan: Oh, all hail to thee! Duke of Edinburgh!
Philip: Yes, all hail to you too, I’m sure. What a lovely hat.
Nancy: Oh, this old thing? Oh it’s just the ancient crown of the earldom at Beverly Hills!
Philip: Really.
Nancy: I had the honour a few short months ago of being elected the lifetime earless!
Philip: Oh, that’s riveting.
Nancy: Oh, no, no no, that’s just a little line of beauty spots, sire, I assure you. Yes… actually, I have quite a bit of a blue blood.
Philip: I might spill it in a minute.
Nancy: My cousin [?] who owns Wyoming. Well he’s married to [?]’s niece!
Philip: Yes, super, yes.
Nancy: And you Prince, you should know that beneath this royal exterior beats the heart of a frightened young girl.
Philip: Really? Whose?
Nancy: Oh, Phil! This heart is yours!
[Philip’s cigar hits Nancy and she screams, backing up into him.]
Philip: Sorry- Unhand me- [He falls off the boat.]
Nancy: Oh those burning…
Elizabeth: Philip?! Help! Someone! [she falls overboard as well.]
The Tortoise and the Brain[]
[A tortoise climbs onto the brain. The brain thinks, “Not tonight I’ve got a headache”.]
Mary Whitehouse’s Bath 3[]
Mary Whitehouse: Oh, I wonder how they trained it to do that. I love these nature programmes, don’t you?
Rubber Plane[]
Len Murray: You pillock, Arthur!
Arthur Scargill: What have I done now?
Murray: You started a [?] dispute with a motorway maintenance boss.
Scargill: Me? How?
Murray: It’s their job to bring the M1 to a standstill.
Prince Charles: I understand you’ve been skiing in the Alps, your Holiness.
Pope: Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I haven’t been skiing in the Alps. One, I am the Pope. And two, I’ve been windsurfing in [?].
Mark’s April Fools[]
[Thatcher is at a table reading a newspaper titled “Mark’s £650 A Week” with the slogan “He was paid nearly as much as a Minister”. Mark comes in the room.]
Mark Thatcher: Hello mumsy!
Margaret Thatcher: Mark! What are you doing here? I thought you were going to America!
Mark: April Fools!
[Thatcher hits his head against the table.]
Thatcher: Stupid little brat!
The Fat Song[]
Robin Day: Yes, that's a fascinating point but let's have another question please. The lady at the back with the sparkly thing on her head, come on.
I've tried not to mention it: I thought it might be rude.
I don't want my words to be personally construed
But I must ask you, have you ever noticed that
Everyone in the Cabinet is fat?
Yes, you're absolutely right
[Howe is seen eating scones] Geoffery Howe is and always has been a podge
[Brittan walks into Fowler] Leon Brittan's a man impossible to dodge
[Lawson falls into his seat, which then falls through the floor] In Number 11 Lawson's had to reinforce the floors
Whitelaw goes through ceilings, he's far too fat for doors
Cabinet:
Fat, fat, fat
We're fatter than a cat
If any cat was quite this fat
The fact is he'd not be a cat
He'd be an elephant! Or something like that
Fat, fat, fat
[Having formed a pile, the ministers all fall down. The scene changes to Exchequers, where Callaghan plays the piano while Douglas-Home goes down the staircase.]
Douglas-Home was thin, he's no longer there
Heseltine’s not bad, but he's got fat hair
What of Tebbit?
The deep supporter cries
Yes it's true to say he's thin, but he tells fat lies
Cabinet:
[The Cabinet are seen eating out of a farm animal’s tray.]
She likes us fat, fat, fat
We're fatter than a cat
If any cat was quite this fat
The fact is he'd not be a cat
He'd be a whale! Or something like that
Fat, fat, fat
Harold Macmillian:
Prior's pink and huge
Harold Wilson:
Jenkins is nicely plump
Alec Douglas-Home:
Fowler's a bit easy
James Callaghan:
But then he's such a chump!
He'll soon join the thinnies, like Gilmore and Pym
All of them sacked
Robin Day and Margaret Thatcher:
Just for being thin
Question Time Audience:(except the Queen)
She likes them fat, fat, fat
They're fatter than a cat
Cabinet:
If any cat was quite as fat
The fact is he won’t be a cat
He'd be a hippopotomous! Or something like that
Fat, fat, fat
[Cyril Smith enters from the right of the screen eating.]
Cyril Smith: Just bloody take a look at that. A disgrace to the nation. Look at the state of them. What sort of example of that to set the nation? What they need is a bloody good diet. God- [he continues on to the credits fade.]
Ending Scene[]
[Thatcher is seen in a dressing room with Lord Lucan as a hairdresser.]
Margaret Thatcher: Just cut it in a style that will be universally popular.
Lord Lucan: Certainly, madam.
[Lucan picks up a scalpel and beheads her.]