Part One[]
Lord Lucan’s Whereabouts[]
[After the opening titles plays, Cyril Smith is seen eating a baguette in front of a large dinner table. Lord Lucan emerges from his trousers.]
Cyril Smith: Oi!
Lord Lucan: Hello there, old boy!
Smith: What do you bloody well want, Lucan?
Lucan: I just want to tell you, old boy, how much I appreciate you putting me up like this.
Smith: Well, yes, this is what you keep saying, Lucan, but this can’t go on, you know. You’ve been lying low in the seat of my bloody trousers for the past nine years now. Me bum’s gone numb. I think it’s high time you moved on, Lucan.
Lucan: Yes, well, uh, how about another £500, eh?
Smith: Well, alright, I’ll give you another month to find alternative accommodation, but then I want you out!
Lucan: Oh thank you Cyril! Most kind of you, old chap!
Smith: And stop bringing back those bloody women back at night! Any more of it and I’ll be sending me tailors in to evict you.
Lucan: Sorry!
Newsflash[]
Narrator: Now we’re going over live to David Coleman in Beirut.
David Coleman: The situation here has worsened dramatically. Despite pleas for the FA chairman [?], boatloads of fans have been arriving in Beirut for what they describe as an international [?]. Late last night, [?] West Ham supporters came to a head on collision with the pro-Israeli Tottenham fans. And we’ve just heard part of the crossfire was a smaller and somewhat bewildered contingent of Christian [?] Arsenal supporters. Ironically, Chelsea fans were absent. I repeat, absent. They’ve been denied visas on account of selling toys and gas to Iran! And earlier today, my hotel was stormed by twenty [?]. I counted them all in and I counted them all back again. This is David Coleman, for ITN, in the Netherlands.
[He is attacked by a fan.]
Voice: David? David?
The Shark Sequence Recording[]
Voice: David, David. We’d like to re-record your [?] camera for the shark sequence please.
David Attemborough: Right. [he grabs a bucket full of water and puts his head in it] Here amongst the [?] sharks, I am completely quiet. Just as a precaution, I am wearing my brown dive suit.
Voice: Much better, David, thank you. And cue music!
Attenborough: While the- [fade out]
Unfinished sketch[]
Thatcher’s Deputy[]
Margaret Thatcher: So, who wants to be my deputy?
[The Cabinet chatter.]
Thatcher: So you think I need a deputy, do you?
[The Cabinet shake their heads and murmur.]
Thatcher: It might be not such a bad idea.
[The Cabinet chatter.]
Thatcher: Of course I don’t need a deputy!
[The Cabinet mumble.]
Thatcher: That was a joke.
[A pause, before the Cabinet start laughing.]
Thatcher: Shut up! Now if I hear anymore of you say that I’m overworking, I shall fire you all and do your jobs myself.
[The Cabinet go ‘hear hear’.]
Sporting Image[]
David Coleman: Good evening. A wondrous show tonight and yet still a marvellous one.
[unfinished]