I've Never Met a Nice South African

Spitting Image I've never met a nice South African

Spitting Image: I've Never Met a Nice South African.

"I've Never Met a Nice South African" is a satirical song originating in a sketch on the British television series Spitting Image (unknown). It was written by John Lloyd and Peter Brewis and was sung by Andy Roberts. In 1986 it was commercially released as the B-side of the chart-topping "The Chicken Song". When the song was recorded, South Africa was considered a pariah state because of the apartheid regime that was in power.

The song is narrated in the music video by a seasoned expat Traveller who describes his unlikely experiences to a bored bartender (who bears an uncanny resemblance to Lord Lucan). He has met the Loch Ness Monster, had a close encounter with an alien spaceship, seen unicorns and ten-foot Pygmies, met a working Yorkshire miner and has had sunstroke in the Arctic, but despite all these exotic experiences, he has never met a nice South African. The lyrics bluntly describe white South Africans in a variety of insulting ways, with the chorus being sung by a number of gun-toting white South Africans, out on safari wearing Springbok jerseys. As the song progresses, dead endangered animals are piled up on their jeep and the barman becomes ever sleepier before collapsing on the floor.

In the closing verse, the South African chorus names writer and anti-apartheid activist Breyten Breytenbach, exceptionally, as "quite a nice South African" and say "that's why we put him in prison". At the time Breytenbach had, as the song points out, been living in exile in Paris and had been previously imprisoned by the South African regime due to his mixed marriage.

Lyrics

(Traveller)
I've travelled this old world of ours from Barnsley to Peru, 
I've had sunstroke in the arctic and a swim in Timbuktu, 
I've seen unicorns in Burma and a Yeti in Nepal, 
And I've danced with ten-foot pygmies in a Montezuma hall, 
I've met the King of China and a working Yorkshire miner, 
But I've never met a nice South African!

(Chorus) 
No he's never met a nice South African, 
And that's not bloody surprising man, 
'Cause we're a bunch of arrogant bastards who hate black people!

(Traveller) 
I once got served in Woolies after less than four week's wait, 
I had lunch with Rowan Atkinson when he paid and wasn't late, 
I know a public swimming bath where they don't piss in the pool, 
I know a guy who got a job straight after leaving school, 
I've met a normal merman and a fairly modest German, 
But I've never met a nice South African! 

(Chorus) 
No he's never met a nice South African,  
And that's not bloody surprising man, 
'Cause we're a bunch of talentless murderers who smell like baboons!

(Traveller) 
I've had a Close Encounter of the Twenty-Second Kind, 
That's when an alien spaceship disappears up your behind, 
I got directory enquiries after less than forty rings,  
I've even heard a decent song by Paul McCartney's Wings,  
I've seen a flying pig in a quite convincing wig, 
But I've never met a nice South African!

(Chorus) 
No he's never met a nice South African,  
And that's not bloody surprising man, 
'Cause we're a bunch of ignorant loudmouths with no sense of humour!

(Traveller) 
I've met the Loch Ness Monster and he looks like Fred Astaire,  
At the BBC in London he's the Chief Commissionaire, 
I know a place in Glasgow which is rife with daffodillies, 
I met a man in Kathmandu who claimed to have two willies,  
I've had a nice pot noodle, but I've never had a poodle, 
And I've never met a nice South African! 

(Chorus) 
No he's never met a nice South African, 
And that's not bloody surprising man, 
Because we've never met one either,  
Except for Breyten Breytenbach and he's emigrated to Paris...  
Yes he's quite a nice South African,  
And he's hardly ever killed anyone,  
And he's not smelly at all, that's why they put him prison!

Trivia

During the chorus segments, the lyrics appear on-screen, where the word "man" is spelt "mun", and is pronounced as such by the South African singers.

Lord Lucan, who plays the Bartender listening to the Traveller's tales, has appeared in numerous other scenes throughout Spitting Image; quite often playing a bartender or a waiter, and is one of the series running gags.