We're Guilty! is a song from Episode 4 of Series 9 of Spitting Image. It is sung by a trio of elderly and decrepit judges, as well a a chorus of convicted prisoners and defendants. The song reflects on the incompetence and old-fashionedness of the most prominent judges of Britain, who were known for their staunch ways and their handing down of cruel and unfair sentences.
In all the years I've been a judge since Eighteen Sixty-Four;
Such a gang of madmen I've never seen before!
They're a menace to society, a rabid bag of pus,
They make a mockery of the law...
(Who is this gang?)
We're guilty! We're called the Guilty Three!
We stand accused of being crap and guilty is our plea!
We're guilty! Any fool can see!
Personally I'd lock us up and throw away the key!
Constable, arrest this man and bang me up as well!
Then make up our confessions and beat us in our cell!
We're out of touch and out to lunch;
Our brains have long retired!
We're senile, old and dribble;
I think we should be fired!
They're guilty! They always get this wrong!
We talk such utter drivel, that's why we sing this song!
They're guilty! As welcome as their breath!
Personally I'd string us up and sentence us to death!
(It's the only language we understand!)
They're guilty! As crap as crap can be!
You've got more chance of justice from a cow with BSE!
We're guilty! Sick and twisted in the head!
We think we should be flayed alive...
But we're already dead!
(Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!)